When It Comes To Shoulds
“But Janet, what if I’m not doing true kinship right??”
Ahhhhh, there’s that guilt voice popping up, loud and clear.
I hear that voice too. It pops up at the most inconvenient time, like when I’m trying my best to work through a true kinship predicament, something I’ve not encountered before. Or I’m denying my neurodivergent way of doing things, or I’m ignoring other aspects of my life that are asking for attention, or I’m not caring for myself in the way I need. And so on and so forth.
For me, the guilt voice shows up when I’m not accepting the reality of what is and I’m sliding into the delusion of how life, or practice of true kinship “should” be.
As if there’s a “right” way. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
True kinship is its own essence with its own give and take way of being.
That’s easy for me to forget, deny or ignore, especially when I’m in doing mode instead of being mode.
It’s also hard for me to admit true kinship is a way better orchestrator than I am. When operating from that ‘should’ place, I tend to experience the world through tunnel vision - what works for Janet and Janet’s perception of what true kinship should be.
Meanwhile, true kinship views the world through a kaleidoscopic lens, taking into account all that is.
Here’s the thing: when that ‘shoulding’ voice bellows forth, I’m treating true kinship as a possession to be manipulated. I’m denying its agency and the partnership that could be.
Here’s another thing: it’s not my place to dictate to true kinship what its essence is or how it chooses to show up in the world.
When I take those actions, I’m a manipulator, not a partner in true kinship.
Do you find yourself in a similar boat? We all end up there from time to time. If you are in that place or a similar place, you might find some help here:
Take a break and do what gives you life. What takes you to a different place of being, makes you think no time has passed when in reality it’s 3 hours later? Might it be hiking? Painting? Running? Hiking? Snoozing in a hammock? Whatever refreshes and revives you.
Pay attention to the ‘shoulds’. ‘Shoulding’ is normalized in colonized culture and we often don’t recognize we’re doing it to ourselves. (Or is that just me??? 🫤 🫠 🤦) When you become aware of the shoulds, try counteracting the shoulding by asking ‘Why?’ or ‘Who says so?’
Join the online community Kindred for a month. In the Kindred Community you are with like-minded folx who are dealing with their own shoulds and can share with you what’s helped them in similar situations. Beginning at only $15.00 USD monthly, Kindred has monthly teachings, an ever-growing library of tools and resources, plus a live group Q&A sessions. (Here’s what’s offered in all the Kindred levels.)
I can’t wait to see you there!
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