Podcast Ep8 Entitlement & Kinship
Originally Published March 27, 2022
Listen: Apple, Podbean, iHeart Radio, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music or your favorite podcast station.
Script
Welcome to True Kinship with Animals, where we believe we all do better when ALL creatures do better. I’m Janet Roper and each week I share stories and suggestions with you on how to deepen your relationship with animals, moving you from ownership to true kinship, one animal at a time.
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It's not going to be a big surprise to you, but we humans are awfully good at being human. Some of our best qualities shine forth when we are using our creativity, our integrity, our compassion, or intelligence or our wit, just to name a few. These qualities can definitely aide us on our journey to being in true kinship with animals.
But then, on the other hand, we have other qualities that pop up and stand in the way of our being in true kinship with animals. Today one of those qualities we’re going to deep dive into is entitlement.
Entitlement is defined as “the right to have something, whether actual or perceived”.We humans tend to believe we are entitled to something (or so we think) simply because we're human. In other words, we pull what I call the trump card: the “I'm human, you're not, therefore I outrank you” card.
Here’s a basic truism: humans are not entitled to the respect or kinship of an animal by virtue of simply being human.
I know that is not music to everyone's ears. Regardless of how well-intended we humans are, we often make decisions for animals without taking their agency into consideration.
As always, keep in mind this is a cursory discussion into what is an extremely nuanced topic, and it’s also a topic that is only beginning to be explored and lived into. If you would like to meet with me to dive more deeply into true kinship work, go to the contact page on my website at janetroper.com and set up a free 30-ish minute Zoom discovery call.
Entitlement is not uncommon yet I don’t believe it’s always intentional. However, even if it’s not intentional, human entitlement towards our animal kin can and does create harm.
If you’re a listener of this podcast, you know I’m a big proponent of knowing the lenses you’re using when you’re with animals. If you’re a first time listener, I invite you to go back and listen to season 1, episode #4 where I talk more about knowing your lenses.
Before we go any further, let me tell you a lens that has shaped my relationship with animals. As none of us use the exact same lens, my sharing this with you helps you understand where I came from and why I’m so fervent about true kinship with animals.
I’m a white woman born and bred in the Midwest of the US who identifies as she/her/hers and now lives on Salish land known by the colonized name of Missoula, MT.
From that sentence you know I am a member of the dominant culture here in the US, and that culture is a colonized one created with white supremacy, christianity and patriarchy.
You can further infer I grew up strongly shaped by the values of God, family, a strong work and ethnic culture. I was conditioned to accept those beliefs and values as normal and customary, so I, of course, internalized them as a child.
It’s only been in the past few years I’ve learned that I was taught to internalize values that are divisive and actually rooted in systemic violence.
When I look back at my early relationship with animals it only makes sense that I was taught to hit them, kick them, take advantage of them and consider them ‘just a dirty, dumb animal’. Through that lens I learned humans were at the center of the universe and animals entered in only if they were useful or invited.
Because of that lens, I learned I was entitled to take whatever I wanted from animals, whenever I wanted it and treat them however I wanted. They were viewed as 2nd class citizens, had no say in the matter and their well being and comfort was at my whim and pleasure.
Now, me being me, I was as gentle as possible with them under those dictates, but that didn’t keep me from feeling shame, guilt and inadequate.
Entitlement Leads To Expectation
Naturally, entitlement leads to expectation. When I felt entitled to pick up the stray cat that had just been dumped off at my grandmother’s farm and play dolly with him, I expected it would be all warm fuzzies, cuddles, dressing him up in doll clothes and taking him for a ride in my dolls’ baby carriage.
Not so! Many hisses, scratches and swats later, the cat took off and I never saw him again. I was scolded and punished by the adults and left with the message “You should have known better.”
So, when people interact with an animal and the expectation (whether conscious or unconscious) is all about what that animal can do for the human, such as being a spiritual guide or teacher, being responsible for making the human feel better, or even being a plaything, that’s entitlement. That’s robbing the animal of their agency and making it all about the human’s wants and needs.
Being in true kinship with an animal, the big thing is knowing IF the animal even wants to have a relationship with you. That cat from my childhood obviously did not want to have a relationship with me! Think about this - do you want to have a relationship with EVERYONE you meet? I’m talking humans here.
What about when you’re sitting at your favorite coffee shop, engrossed in a magnificent who-dun-it or listening to a great piece of music, trying to study for an upcoming exam or just spacing out and enjoying your alone time. A gregarious stranger sits nexts to you and begins to have an uninvited conversation - even going so far as to pat your arm for emphasis.
How does that feel to you?
Moving from humans back to animals, let’s look at another example - rescuing/adopting animals.
Again, remember, I’m making generalized statements, this is not a nuanced conversation. If you would like to work with me to dive more into a nuanced conversation, contact me.
Back to rescuing/adopting animals. All animal lovers - at least the ones I know - are big hearted and want to help animals have the best life possible. A common way to do that is by adopting or rescuing. Have you ever walked into a shelter or rescue and immediately thought 'oh, look at that poor dog (cat, rabbit, horse, guinea pig, etc), they look so lonesome here! I know they will be better off at my house and I can take such good care of them'? Been there, done it. Our caregiver/savior instinct kicks in and the next thing we know we have a new family member.
Straight Talk
Just because you feel the need to rescue an animal does not mean that particular animal feels the need to be rescued by you
This is not denying or denigrating your love and respect for animals! This is listening to and respecting the animals’ agency. That’s a BIG thing, I can’t emphasize that enough.
At times like this, you need to ask yourself hard questions, and use your current lenses to listen to honest answers…..why do I feel the need to rescue/adopt this animal? If I rescue/adopt the animal, what need does that fill in me? Is it a need related to true kinship or am I bypassing my own needed inner work? Am I expecting the animal to do my work for me? How will adopting/rescuing this animal affect my current animal and human family?
More questions - this time about the animal….did you ask the animal if they wanted to be rescued or adopted? What if that animal was waiting for another family for adoption? What if, while in the shelter, the animal was actually helping out another animal or a member of the shelter staff? What if that animal came to the shelter with the purpose of dying there? That does happen, I've witnessed it.
Asking those hard questions and listening to those honest answers is challenging and can be hard to take in, I know. Breathe deeply, and take a moment to sit with that. Truthfully, it'll take more than a moment to sit with it and many returns over a period of time in order to begin to come to terms with that statement in full honesty and integrity.
Each animal has their own agency (authenticity) and that is not to be overridden by our human agency, simply because we're human.
The animal(s) owe us nothing.
We can request a mutually agreeable relationship, moving towards true kinship, but the animals owe us nothing.
True kinship with animals doesn’t happen overnight, or, assuming it does happen, it may not look at all like you expected it to. It doesn’t happen because it’s solely your intention to build it with the animal. There is both a building and a long term tending of the relationship that is involved. There needs to be mutual cooperation and guidelines established. This takes time, patience, perseverance, respect, regular tending and the willingness to heed and respect another's agency. Sometimes you may receive silence or a definite NO to the request for true kinship - at least true kinship as you are envisioning it.
But here’s the thing, when you are able to accept silence or a NO as the answer, with few resentments, guilt or what ifs, THAT’S true kinship and it’s a REALLY BIG THING. You have accepted and honored the animal’s agency and that’s life changing. And energetically speaking, it’s another blow to the dismantling of the “it’s just a dumb animal” mindset. Good for you!
Keep in mind true kinship is not all about you, it’s not about just getting your needs met. It’s not about what you may feel you’re entitled to, or even want.
It’s About…
Agency
Mutuality
Cooperation
Reciprocity
Exchange
Since we've started a conversation around this, don't be surprised if awarenesses and examples of entitlement in your own life start popping up. That’s not unusual. When/if they do, that's wonderful! That shows you’re listening to and respecting the animals agency. Here’s how to handle them:
Be gentle with yourself. As Angel Horse Shiloh constantly reminds me “You're only human, you've got a lot to learn”
Observe the animal’s reactions and body language. Simply observe, no conclusions or judgments.
Let the animal take the lead
Take note of the experience and learn from it
If you would like to work with me to dive more deeply into true kinship work, go to janetroper.com and click on work together at the top of the page.
Many thanks for joining me today. If you liked what you have heard, you can support this podcast by making a financial contribution, leaving a comment, giving the show a like, a follow and/or a share.
Your support of this podcast with a financial contribution makes my work sustainable and encourages me to keep on going!
Thank you for listening and keep moving toward true kinship! Just for today remember: We All do better when all creatures do better. Until next week, take good care!
