Podcast Ep. 13: It’s Not All Perfect
Originally Published May 1, 2022
Listen: Apple, Podbean, iHeart Radio, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music or your favorite podcast station.
Script
Welcome to True Kinship with Animals, where we believe we all do better when ALL creatures do better. I’m Janet Roper and each week I share stories and suggestions with you on how to deepen your relationship with animals, moving you from ownership to true kinship, one animal at a time.
This podcast is brand new and your help getting it off the ground is much appreciated! If you enjoy this podcast and find my work helpful, if you have been inspired or informed, or have discovered your world has opened to new possibilities because of the podcast, consider supporting my work by making a financial contribution or shopping my wish list. The link is also on the show page for your convenience.
Your support helps this podcast grow and makes my work sustainable.I can't do it without you! Many thanks!
Do you ever get stuck in knowing how to be with animals?
I don’t mean doing for them - for example taking care of them, making sure they get enough exercise, they have enough food that they like, doing the best you can with their medical care so on and so forth.
I mean how do you be with an animal without your mind jumping to the ‘shoulds’, the ’what ifs’ and the comparisons to other people and the lives they have with their animals?
Another way to put it is how to simply be with animals MINUS the perfectionistic lens we humans are so good at using?
I don’t know, maybe this is a Janet thing and I’m the exception to the rule, as to how folx can simply be with animals without that constant inner dialogue going on.
Somehow, I don’t think so.
With my 20+ years of experience facilitating true kinship between people and animals, I have worked with and witnessed others who struggle simply being with animals. I truly think this is more common than not. While people may experience to differing degrees “doing” as the same as “being” and it may come and go, I see this as a common occurrence when it comes to humans and how we relate with animals.
I was pondering this the other day when I was busy not being with my cat Raven. Raven was content and relaxed, simply being with me without projecting any wants or needs, comfortable in his own body and in his own place in our apartment at that moment in time.
I was thinking how much I want him to be happy with me and appreciate our life together. I know I want to make life as easy and safe for him as possible. I want him to be happy and content in a container called “life is so good and it can’t get any better than my life with Janet” and tie it up with a beautiful red bow.
Wouldn’t life be just ever so perfect if it worked out like that?
Then there was the sudden realization - like a light bulb going on - that’s not realistic. That’s an illusion that points the spotlight on ME and what I want, what I think our life together SHOULD be.
It leaves Raven’s wants and needs out of the picture and assumes what I want is also what Raven wants.
What I had done was to treat Raven as an extension of myself by ignoring his agency, his own wants and desires, authority and wisdom.
That folx, is power-over animals, instead of relationship with animals. It’s a perfect example of living your relationship with your animal pals from an egocentric lens, rather than an ecocentric one.
But it’s so insidious how that sneaks in!!! Here I was thinking I was doing the best I could for Raven, having his best interest at heart, and at the same time I was denying his agency.
It’s very fair to say that was yet another wake up call for me.
Where Did That Come From?
In part, social media. The unconscious that’s “what everyone is doing” had seeped into my mind as the way things were supposed to be, the right way to be in relationship with your animal family.
In part, old childhood baggage. Everything had to be perfect, done a certain way and in a certain manner. I lived under that suffocating lens ‘what will the neighbors think’? It’s hard to express yourself and live your own life from your own values when the ‘what will the neighbors think’? is stamped into your very being.
Seeing Raven as an extension of myself and ignoring his agency, told me I was using the egocentric lens to view our relationship. That lens originates in colonized settler culture, which puts humans at the center of the universe and sees animals as 2nd class citizens. Using that lens denies animals their agency and leaves no room for true kinship.
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.”
That quote says it so well.
Perfectionism doesn’t lead to a flowing, organic “life is so good” container. It leads to a conditional… “life is so good” container IF the following circumstances occur in the following way and IF I am able to control them in the perfect way ie, like the neighbors do.
When you are consumed by being perfect, it’s easy for the focus to be on mistakes and inadequacies, both your own and others. When you show up as you authentic self, that is deemed not enough. Through the perfectionistic lens, you’re sure things could have gone better, someone worthier would have handled it differently with an improved result and there’s always someone who knows more than you do.
That’s an exhausting place to be, for sure.
But you know what? You haven’t failed. It’s the colonized system that so staunchly pushes perfectionism as THE way to be that has failed you.
Let’s take a short break and when we return I’ll share a story about Raven using his own agency.
A heartfelt thank you to those who have contributed to the growth of this podcast! Your support, whether financially, liking, sharing or leaving a comment, translates into appreciation of the work I do and how it shows up in the world. This helps me accept the fullness of my dream of true kinship with animals and acknowledges you as a kindred spirit with that dream!
I’m asking you to continue helping me as I carry on sharing this dream with the world at large
If you have ever found my work helpful, if this podcast has inspired or informed you or expanded possibilities in your world, now is the time to help the true kinship with animals dream continue to unfold into reality. Making a financial contribution, shopping my wish list, sharing, liking, or leaving a comment on the show page are deeply appreciated ways to show your continued support. For your convenience, the link to make a financial contribution supporting this podcast is found on the show page.
Thank you for your continued support, kindred spirits!
Thanks for tuning in and listening to this podcast! If you’re a first time listener, glad to have you here, if you’re a returning listener, welcome back! If this podcast speaks to you or has helped you in any way, be sure to share it with others!
Before I share another Raven story with you, I want to let you know that Happy You Day, (which has been called Mother’s Day) gift certificates for a 1:1 session with me are available. They start at $10USD and let your birthing parent hear for themselves what their animal pal wants them to know. It’s a loving, thoughtful and unique gift that will be long remembered and appreciated. Visit janetroper.com to purchase or see the link on the show page.
On to another Raven story, one where I have stepped aside more than once and witnessed him using his own agency.
Raven joined the Roper family 14 years ago and during that time we have had 5 major moves.
Raven does not like to move and with every single one he has most emphatically expressed the opinion “I don’t want to be there, I want to stay HERE”.
It’s nerve-racking, for sure.
With each move we have had the conversation about what it might look like if he decides to not move with us: who will care for him, what life might be like with a new family, how he would have to make major adjustments to that family and the real possibility he could end up in a shelter.
The decision is left with him.
The hurry up and wait time while Raven is making his decision is distressing and gut-wrenching for me. With the last move, it was truly a last minute call on his part and I had already started acclimating myself and our dog Max that Raven might not be moving with us.
I am beyond grateful each time he makes the decision to move with us. Witnessing Raven using his agency to make decisions that are authentically his strengthens our relationship and encourages me to be more like Raven when I grow up.
Yet no matter how many more times we might go through this, I’m sure my distress and those gut-wrenching feelings won’t disappear, but that’s life when lived in agency.
When you find yourself operating from the colonized sanctioned perfectionistic lens, here is a suggestion that may help:
Acknowledge the lens for what it is: colonized settler thinking whose purpose is to create division and foster the idea animals are “less than” humans. Observe, don’t judge. Ask yourself, “Am I open to exploring different ways I can be with my animal pal as they are acting in their agency?” There’s no right or wrong answer to that question and it’s fair to say the answer won’t always be the same.
I hope this encourages you to discover places where you are unconsciously acting from the perfectionistic lens. When you begin to look at your relationship with animals differently, a new place of understanding begins to open up, helping you to move towards true kinship with them.
Many Thanks For Joining Me Today
If you liked what you have heard, you can support this podcast by making a financial contribution, leaving a comment, giving the show a like, a follow and/or a share.
Your support of this podcast with a financial contribution or by shopping my wish list makes my work sustainable and encourages me to keep on going!
Thank you for listening and keep moving toward true kinship! Just for today remember: We all do better when all creatures do better. Until next week, take good care!
